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Donald asks…

What’s the best way to keep bums off my front stoop?

Every day I walk out my front door and there are homeless people hanging out on my front steps, or there are empty malt liquor bottles. I’m not heartless, but the other day a neighbors house was broken into so I have decided to take more proactive approach to getting rid of them.

How can I make the space unpleasant to hang out on when I am not around?

tantan answers:

If you cannot beat em, join em. Homeless people tell the best stories and make wonderful dinner guests—some of my best friends in the entire world are no good worthless homeless unemployed drunkards, three sheets in the wind nearly 8 days a week—and that statement is no lie. Kevin Hartigan, a homeless drug using drunk paranoid schitzophrenic, is the town bum who begs for spare change in front of the Blackheath train station in London UK, and my personal friend. When I was troubled one winter with a broken motorbike, he followed me home while i pushed the broken machine uphill to my home on the vale and questioned me the whole way……..

“Is that a SuperDream?”

“Doesnt et ave 4 gears, that?”

“Do you need a and fitzin et or whatevah?”

“Ud jew lyke mee tu pushit a while?”

I bought him a bit of fried fish from the fish monger across the street from the station in The Village, and he stayed at my flat in my garage for 2 weeks, repairing my motorbike and eating at my table…….so grateful for the opportunity to have access to a shower and a toilet that he repaired my bike as well as could be done and kept me entertained for two weeks with stories over the kitchen table of everything from teenagers setting him on fire one night while he slept on a park bench in Brighton “an burnin off ees birdsnest whilst eeus sleepin”, to…”De Devil stabbed at mee rite ere whah dis scah is ere an eee di’it wif eees tree pronged pokah!”.

Nobody provides security for your dewlling like your buddy sitting on your front porch all day. Kevin would have gladly taken anyone i asked him to take completely apart and then he would have disposed of their bodies for me by dumping em in the river thames without giving a second thought. Kevin Hartigan is my friend…….my TRUE friend.

Friends help you move to your new apartment, but true friends help you hide the bodies. These people are the most downtrodden, beaten down, stripped of all human dignity group of folks you will ever find, plus they regularly break the law, witness beatings and rape and murders and perhaps even participate in that kind of behaviour them selves………..are you REALLY using every single last brain cell you have available to you in your head in making the decision to drive away, condemn, and perhaps anger a group of individuals who have the capacity to make your home a very unhappy place to live at best?

Keep your friends close……your enemies closer. If you befriend these drunks and buy em a pint or three, maybe they will skip your pad when selecting a new spot to nick all the goodies out of some poor suckers gaff.

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